


Learning How to Heal

by Melime



Category: Jessica Jones (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Community: smallfandombang, F/F, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 10:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10695225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: Jessica and Trish had terrible things happen to them during their lives, from traumatic experiences and childhood abuse to the ordeal with Kilgrave. With everything that happened, it was hard moving past their trauma and learning how to heal, but throughout their lives, they always had each other to count on.





	Learning How to Heal

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [Aprendendo a se curar](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10712325) by [Melime GreenLeaf (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime%20GreenLeaf)



> Thank you so much to my beta [Alfer](archiveofourown.org/users/Alfer/)!

Jessica was happy, or as happy as a fourteen-year old could be, meaning that she was probably happier than she thought she was. Her parents loved each other, and they loved their children, would do anything for them. Her brother was a massive pain in her ass, annoying as only ten-year old boys could be, but she still loved him more than anything in the world, although it would be hard to make her admit that at the time.

Sure, she wasn’t the most popular kid at school, far from it, that role belonged to Patsy Walker, the annoying child star at her school that everyone loved and envied in equal measures. Actually, Jessica didn’t have much in the way of friends, and didn’t get along with most people her age, but she liked things that way. She thought most of her colleagues were idiots anyway, so she was probably better off without them.

She fought way too much with Phillip, but that was part of having a younger brother, they had an unique way to get under people’s skin. Still, fighting and teasing him was her privilege, and she wouldn’t let anyone else do it.

Even then she was as she would be throughout her adult life, truly caring about only a handful of people, but willing to do anything to keep them safe. She always had a protective streak in her, even before she was actually able to protect anyone.

She was happy then, and she didn’t even know it, not until she lost everything. Over the following years, she would think back to the accident many times, getting lost in what-ifs. It was easy to blame herself, she was the one who didn’t want to share the GameBoy, and she was the reason why her father was too distracted to notice the truck. She didn’t even know why she was so adamant about not letting Phil take the damn thing, it all seemed so unimportant now. She didn’t want to go on that trip, she remembered as much, although she didn’t remember why anymore. Probably just some random reason that she would forget as soon as they got there, or that she would use to sulk the entire time while secretly having fun, such was the way of teenagers.

Throwing the GameBoy was an impulse, she never meant for it to break, but once it did she wouldn’t apologize for it either. She was never big on apologies, even before she had such a massive problem trying to take all the guilt in the world as hers. It didn’t seem like a big deal then, she could never have guessed the consequences. She didn’t think anything of it as it happened, but she had more than enough time to think about it in the years after. It was something she could never really move past.

\---

Patricia couldn’t remember a time she was happy. She knew she must have been at some point, for her to have a frame of reference that told her she was miserable now. Maybe it was before all of this started, when they still lived in a one bedroom apartment and not always had something to eat, at least then she felt like her life was hers, not someone else’s. But even then her mother was this intense planner, a force of nature, who would stop at nothing to win in life, no matter who she had to hurt to get what she wanted.

She didn’t hate her mother, not exactly, it was nothing that simple. Her mother took over her life and made her miserable, drove her nearly to a breaking point, forced her to see the doctor that got her addicted to prescription drugs and then pretended she had nothing to do with it. Still, she was her mother, and it was hard to hate her. Be angry, frustrated, despise her, be disgusted by her? Sure, but it was hard to talk about hate when she still loved her mother, and those emotions were too hard to reconcile for a teenage girl, even one that had already been through so much. She wasn’t equipped yet to truly understand what her mother was doing and how wrong it was, she wasn’t even equipped to interpret her own feelings on the matter. At that point, she didn’t even try to escape, she just watched as she became more and more like this person she hated, unable to stop herself, or stop her mother, just concentrating on surviving. It would take her years to realise that had been enough, and that she wasn’t at fault for what her mother did to her.

\---

Jessica didn’t want to move in with some rich kid she never talked to. As juvenile as that was, and she knew it was, she just wanted to go back home. But home wasn’t just a place, and it didn’t exist anymore. The house was empty, not only of all her stuff, that had already been packed, but of her family. Still, she would rather sit alone in an empty house than move in with a teen celebrity and her unbearable mother, anything was better than that.

The problem was, she couldn’t help but see what was right in front of her eyes. She always liked investigating, the ‘what’ didn’t really matter, the fun was in trying to find things out, and after so long with this hobby, she couldn’t just shut it down. She found out even what she didn’t want to learn, with was just one of those things, trained eyes and all that, even if it were more like amateur eyes with quite a bit of practice.

The signs were there from the start, Patsy’s arguments with her mother, the way her mother would talk in thinly veiled threats, the bruises Patsy did everything in her power to hide. Jessica didn’t want anything to do with that. She couldn’t protect her family, her little brother, couldn’t protect herself from losing everyone she loved. Worse than that, she caused the accident to happen, and that was something she would have to live with, no matter how much she wished she could go back and change things. She was no hero, and she had no reason or way to save this girl. It was none of her business, all she had to do was bide her time until she was old enough to escape that house and those people, then it really wasn’t going to be her problem.

She shouldn’t get involved with that family, Dorothy made sure she knew she wasn’t a part of it, and that Jessica should just stay out of the way and not be seen. She wasn’t one to listen to people like that, but doing so this time would make her life so much easier, and she needed something to be easy now. All she had to do was ignore what Patsy was going through, and hide away every time the yelling and the throwing of things started, and how hard could that be? If she couldn’t save the people that mattered the most to her, then she couldn’t save anyone.

\---

She didn’t want anything to do with Jessica. It was just another one of her mother’s publicity stunts, and she had grown tired of them long ago. She didn’t want to think about what her mother using a young girl around her age made her feel, didn’t want to think about what that said about her own relationship with her mother. She didn’t yet have the words needed to explain what she was feeling, couldn’t name the abuse she was suffering, only had her own turmoil of pain, frustration, anger, and so many other things she couldn’t identify, to go by.

She didn’t know why she disliked Jessica so much, if she was just rebelling against what her mother wanted or if, perhaps on some deep subconscious level, she wanted to protect Jessica against what she couldn’t protect herself from. It was only much later that she would begin to think about that, and by then, she was already shredding the parts of her life that came to be under her mother’s influence, and Jessica had become one of the few she wanted to keep.

However, when Jessica first came into her life, she wasn’t ready to begin to heal, and so she lashed out. It wasn’t the right moment, not yet, for what they would become to each other, but that would soon come to be, once their pain started blending together and they realized they were stronger together than apart.

\---

Of course then she learnt about her powers, and that was definitely something that wasn’t there before the accident. When she broke down that sink, she panicked, and when Patsy saw her lift it, it was too much, too soon. She had seen the way Dorothy exploited Patsy at every available opportunity, and couldn’t let that happen to her as well. She wasn’t above mocking and threatening Patsy to get what she wanted, she was scared, and scared people were desperate enough to do cruel things to escape what they were afraid of.

She was strong now, strong enough to protect herself, and anyone she cared about, but what did it matter? Her family was already dead, and she couldn’t do anything for them, so what good was that power? She didn’t care about anyone else, she wasn’t even sure she cared all that much about herself, so this was useless anyway. All the more reason to hide her powers, especially since she barely knew anything about them, and wasn’t all that enthusiastic about exploring them.

But even then helping people was part of who she was, even though she tried to deny it. Even before she learnt about her powers, there was a part of her screaming for her to help Patsy, and now that she knew she was capable of doing something, it was hard to ignore it, regardless of what Patsy actually wanted.

\---

She didn’t want to be saved. Being saved meant that she was a damsel in distress, a victim, and she didn’t want to see herself like that. Also, she didn’t want to owe anyone anything, so she couldn’t have anyone rescuing her. It was better like this, she could deal with things, she was dealing with things. Perhaps badly, but in her own way, and that was all that mattered.

Jessica was no exception. Patricia didn’t care if she was a superhero in the making, Jessica had no right to interfere in her life, she would just have to find someone else to save.

\---

Jessica looked away for as long as she could, which turned out to be a really short time. She could do it, as long as she stayed away and never actually saw anything as it happened, then she could pretend not doing anything was something she could live with. Then she caught Dorothy trying to force Patsy to throw up, and it was too much, she couldn’t let that keep happening. Dorothy was already starving her daughter, almost only allowing her to eat when they were in public, or otherwise had company other than Jessica.

Although she would later tell Patsy she had lost her temper, that wasn’t exactly true. She threw Dorothy against the wall, hard enough to hurt, but not hard enough to break her. Even then she was holding back, she didn’t know what she was capable of, but she did know she could kill someone is she wasn’t careful. She always did have an explosive temperament, but always focused on things, rather than people, and that wasn’t going to change now.

\---

It was after that incident that she and Jessica began to get closer. They shared two secrets now, her abuse and Jessica’s abilities, and that was the kind of thing that brought people closer together. When Jessica saved her, she gave her an opening, and it was up to her make the next move.

“I hate Patsy, I can’t stand the name, the wig, the fact that everybody just assume that I’m the same as that stupid character,” she said one day, when they were home alone. Her mother was probably out blowing some judges or casting directors, if she knew her well.

“It’s a stupid name anyway, sounds like an airhead queen bee,” Jessica replied.

“Geez, thanks.”

Jessica shrugged. “I’m just saying, it’s the worst nickname ever.”

“Because Jess is so original.”

“Hey, at least it’s a normal nickname. I bet the only reason your mom chose Patsy was because no one else would ever use it, so you could have the ‘brand’ all to yourself,” she said, doing unnecessarily dramatic air quotes.

“I wouldn’t put it past her. She didn’t call me that before she started with this whole acting thing.”

“What did she call you before?”

“Just Patricia, I guess.”

“Which is perfect if you are a cat lady in her sixties, not so good for a teenager.”

Patricia snorted. “Better than being a drug addict celebrity, I guess.”

“Come on, what would you like to be called then?”

“I thought people weren’t supposed to pick their own nicknames.”

Jessica shrugged. “Whatever. Who’s gonna stop you?”

She thought about it for a moment. “Trish. I think I like Trish.”

“Trish it is then. Wanna order some pizza? I lifted twenty bucks off your mom’s purse.”

\---

Her mother wouldn’t let her go to rehab, and soon enough she was back at doctors that insisted to prescribe things she didn’t need just so she could do what her mother wanted without snapping. Sometimes she managed to say no to them. Sometimes, she didn’t.

\---

Dorothy never laid a hand on Trish again, but that didn’t mean the girl was safe. Her mother had a way with words, and always knew how to get under Trish’s skin. As long as she was under her influence, Trish would never truly be safe, and both Trish and Jessica knew that. Which was why they were always dreaming about escaping, going some place far away, where they would never be found. Reality, of course, made that impossible. There was no where Trish could go where she wouldn’t be recognized, her show had an international following and millions of viewers, any number of which could recognize her even without the iconic red hair. Her mother sold her image before Trish was even old enough to understand what that meant, and now that was something that would haunt her, probably for the rest of her life, it was simply that kind of show that seemed to never really go away.

For years, the dreams would be all they had. Whenever Dorothy wasn’t around, they would talk about leaving, just running away in the middle of the night and never turning back. It was a source of comfort, even though they would never actually do it. If they tried anything like that, Dorothy would simply put the police after them, and they would be found before they even made it out of the city.

Still, those were good dreams, dreams that helped them keep going. By the time living together and away from Dorothy could turn into reality, neither of them ever thought they would one day live apart. They were wrong.

\---

Trish was the first one to talk about how she felt, earnestly and matter-of-factly, as she always had been more at ease with her feelings than Jessica. Which said more about Jessica than it did about Trish, since Trish wouldn’t be considered an open person at that point, not by any reasonable standard. Not many reasonable standards could be applied to traumatized teens, and even less to traumatized teens that were also teen celebrities or had powers they would rather keep secret.

They were in Trish’s room, listening to loud music and eating pizza, enjoying their time without Dorothy. It was one of their favorite things to do, although anything that involved time away from Dorothy would rank pretty high on that list.

“I love you, you know?” Trish said out of nowhere, not looking away from the two CDs she had in her hands.

Jess rolled her eyes, hiding behind her cool façade of indifference as she only used to do when they had company. “You’re always so sappy.”

“Whatever, you know what I mean.”

Her tone was serious this time. “Yeah, I do.”

It was a Tuesday afternoon. Jess would always remember that, not because it was particularly relevant, but exactly because it wasn’t, because it was a day like any other, made special only by those words. Trish wouldn’t, all she would remember was that Jess didn’t say it back, she didn’t care about all the rest, only what Jess didn’t say. Trish tried not to let that hurt her, she failed.

\---

She was crying. Trying to fix her clothes and stop her tears and calm down and tell Jess what happened, what almost happened, what her mother had arranged to happen. She couldn’t do it all, but it didn’t matter, this was Jess she was talking to, and Jess understood, Jessica always understood. Her mother wasn’t above using sex to get what she wanted, and she tried to exploit Trish however she could, but this was a new low even for her. Trish ran away as fast as she could as soon as she realized what was happening, luckily while she still had her clothes on.

She didn’t even know how she felt about her mother’s actions, simultaneously too panicked and too numb to think straight. All she knew was that she wouldn’t allow her mother to use her like this, it was a line she wouldn’t cross, a boundary she would defend, even if it meant facing her mother’s wrath. If it weren’t for Jessica, she probably wouldn’t have the means to do that, but it didn’t matter, because Jessica was there, Jessica would always be there for her.

Jess held Trish in her arms, and told her it would be ok. She didn’t know what else to do, she wasn’t equipped to deal even with her own traumas, let alone someone else’s. But this was Trish, the only person left alive that she still cared about, and for her she would try. Trish was fast asleep by the time Jessica let go of her, placing her carefully in her bed, hoping she would be safe from Dorothy for at least a little while. Dorothy wouldn’t come home that night, of that Jessica was sure, she wouldn’t risk facing Jessica right after a stunt like that, would wait until Trish had recovered enough to get in the way, knowing that her daughter’s convoluted feelings about her kept her safe from Jessica. That wasn’t a problem, it wasn’t Dorothy Jessica was after that night.

Someone accepted a bribe in the form of a teenage girl, and that person would pay for their perversion. Finding the guy’s hotel room was easy enough, she had always been good at tracking people down, this shouldn’t be different just because it mattered. She broke down his door, and it wasn’t the only thing she broke. It was careless, only luck saving her from having her powers caught on camera, but Trish had been hurting and that made her careless. The guy, some big time Hollywood executive, wouldn’t tell anyone what happened. This was a world before people like her were known, and no one would believe him. Jess told him to stay away from Trish, and spread the word that she was under someone’s protection. At that moment, she couldn’t care less if that meant she would be discovered, anything would be worth to keep Trish safe.

Dorothy didn’t came home for a week. When she did, she took Trish home from school early, so she would have her alone. By the time Jess got home, Dorothy had already gotten to Trish. Trish’s request was the only thing that kept Jessica from breaking that woman to pieces. Sometimes, she still wished she had done that.

\---

Trish was the one that finally said enough and decided they had to leave. Jess was the one that made her decision be respected. Dorothy didn’t want to let them go, but when the choice was between cooperating and getting royalties checks and not cooperating and getting broken in half, it was easier to just let her daughter go, at least for now. She would never give up on getting her hands on her gold mine again, but she wasn’t willing to go against Jessica on this one.

Living on their own wasn’t a bed of roses like they imagined. Trish still had a drug addiction to kick, preferably away from the public eye, which wouldn’t be easy. Jessica still had to deal with her lack of profitable skills and problems with authority figures. They didn’t have much in the way of money, and Dorothy kept the Patsy brand, so they couldn’t count on that. All in all, their first day away was a disaster, and they loved every minute of it.

\---

Trish had no problem making money. Despite what her mother always tried to have her believe, she was the real talent behind their success, not Dorothy. From one small job to the next, she managed to make enough to pay the bills, and soon enough she was building her own brand, distancing herself from Patsy and, as a consequence, from her mother. She and Jessica didn’t need much, after all. They had each other, anything else was a luxury.

\---

Jessica had no idea how to keep a job. The problem was, she had superpowers, and those didn’t include the ability to deal with other people’s bullshit. Plus, she was always good in finding other people’s dirt, even if she wasn’t trying very hard. So, it was hard listening to an idiot boss who was screwing his secretary and then discharging his guilt over his employees, especially since she knew she could toss him out the window without breaking a sweat. Not that she would, but she could, and that was enough to make respecting him next to impossible. Turns out a lot of minimum wage jobs require employees to be terrified of their bosses and of losing their livelihood, so unless you know you and your family will starve unless you keep that job at all costs, it’s very hard not to just walk away from all that abuse.

Still, she couldn’t just let everything fall on Trish, she wasn’t like Trish’s leech of a mother. So she kept trying, job after job, no matter how ridiculous they were. And hey, even if the job sucked, she could usually work her way into getting a good severance pack, even if that meant a tiny bit of blackmail. It wasn’t like those people didn’t deserve what she was doing anyway.

\---

Trish didn’t go to meetings, and she didn’t have a chip. She wouldn’t be able to get a new career if she did, female celebrities simply didn’t get the same breaks as their male counterparts, so being publicly a recovering addict would either be a career killer or set her years back on her plan for freedom, neither of which were acceptable.

Still, she found that it was easier to resist the urge now that she was no longer being manipulated by her mother. Easier, not easy, but doable, and she had Jess to help her at any rate. She promised herself that she would never scare Jess again by passing out on the floor because of something she took. She almost kept that promise.

\---

She thought kissing Jess would be weird. Not because she was a girl, she wasn’t even the first girl Trish kissed. But Jess was Jess, adopted by her mother but not her sister, not exactly despite this having been the easiest way to explain things for a while. They were both too old for new siblings, and from the start their relationship was different. Perhaps, what had the most potential to ruin this was that Jess had been her rock for such a long time she didn’t want to imagine how life would be without her. But it wasn’t weird, it was the most natural thing in the world.

Then Jess cracked a joke and they went back to whatever they were doing. They didn’t talk about it.

\---

Jess loved Trish, she truly did, like she didn’t think it would ever be possible for her to love anyone. Still, she never said that, she couldn’t say that, didn’t know how. What she couldn’t put into words was that she had lost everyone she loved in that accident, and she couldn’t stand the thought of losing Trish too. So, perhaps, if she never said anything, then nothing bad would ever happen. It wasn’t a rational thought, but trauma is seldom rational.

Trish said it, all the time at first, then less, not because she felt it less, but because she didn’t want to pressure Jess into something she wasn’t ready for. In time, she learnt to accept that this was how Jess was, and that she didn’t need words to know how the other felt, but it still hurt, sometimes. She tried not to think about the times when it hurt, it wasn’t Jess’ fault, after all. They both had their issues, and Jess didn’t blame Trish for hers.

\---

Despite everything, life was good. And not good as in being content for existing, but actually good. They were happy, and had everything they could possibly want.

Jess was going to be a superhero, costume and saving people and everything. She just had to figure out how she would do that. She didn’t have a mentor, someone to guide her in that journey, but she had Trish and her support, and even though Trish seemed to think that the most important element of a costume was being ridiculous, Jess still appreciated her help.

Everything was exactly how it was supposed to be. Their past was finally behind them.

\----

And then Kilgrave happened.

\---

Trish knew something was wrong the second that Jess decided to move out, but Jess kept saying all the right things, and it was hard to pinpoint what was so off about her behaviour. Still, that wasn’t the Jess she knew, and Trish didn’t know what to do to get her Jess back.

Trish thought about going to the police, but what good would that do? Jess was an adult, she was still in contact, and she sounded mostly alright, there was nothing that the police could do to help her. She even thought about hiring a deprogrammer, but how well would that work with Jess? This type of people’s MO usually involved kidnapping the target and trying to clear their head while keeping them contained, and there was no way normal people would be able to just grab Jess against her will, much less keep her tied up for any amount of time.

She wanted to go to Jessica, try to talk some sense into her, but Jess always evaded her requests. As much as she hated that, there wasn’t much she could do, at least nothing she could think of. That didn’t mean she wouldn’t keep trying to find a way to help her.

\---

After a while, it was hard to keep aware. Part of her didn’t want to keep aware of what was happening, it was easier that way. And part of her wanted to be alert at all times, looking for a way out. When she talked to Trish on the phone, Jess was so desperate to tell her the truth, but she couldn’t, don’t matter how much she fought, and she fought, she couldn’t break his control.

She wanted to kill him. Never before she knew what this was like, not really, but she truly wanted to kill him. Even though she threatened Dorothy, she wouldn’t have been able to do it then, Dorothy was a shitty human being but Jessica was no murderer. Kilgrave was different, she wanted to tear him to pieces, and she felt that she could live with that. It would be easier to deal with having killed someone who deserved it than with everything he was doing to her.

All her strength, and she couldn’t keep him away from her, couldn’t protect herself, couldn’t stop her body from acting in every way he wanted. All she could do was wait, wait for her way out, for him to slip, for her to get a chance to rip his head off with her bare hands.

\---

Nothing she was hearing from Jess made any sense. This wasn’t the girl she knew since they were teenagers. And yet, she didn’t seem to be under coercion. She would find a way to send Trish a message if that were the case, and it didn’t even seem like she was trying to. She kept saying the same nonsense, and evading Trish’s questions, but there was nothing there to indicate she wasn’t doing it of her own free will. Trish didn’t know what to do, and the impotence was unbearable. Jess saved her, and now Trish couldn’t do the same for her.

\---

She wanted to jump. More than anything she had wanted to jump. Just let herself drop from the edge, then she would be free, far away before he had a chance to get down from the building, away from his voice and his influence and his powers.

Jess thought she would jump to action as soon as the effect wore off, but it wasn’t that simple. After that long under his control, her mind was foggy, and her body felt distance, it was hard to move on her own.

She went to the edge, aware that she would only have precious few seconds to escape, but unable to make herself move any faster. Her body was impossibly heavy, and the cloud in her thoughts could be cut with a knife. She just had to fall, then everything would be ok, all she had to do was take a couple steps forward, then she would be free, she would be able to go home, to Trish, and leave all of this behind her.

Just a couple steps forward.

And then he called her, using his influence on her again. It was too late. He made her hurt herself, but that was nothing in comparison to knowing she had just lost her window. She blamed herself, blamed her treacherous body, blamed the fact she couldn’t be faster. But most of all, she blamed him, and she swore that one day, she would make him pay.

\---

Trish had to move on with her life, she didn’t have any choice. Jess wouldn’t want her to waste months just worrying about her when she kept saying she was alright, even though Trish didn’t believe that for a second. But she had to move on with her life, had to maintain her career, even if that felt like betraying Jessica. But she would never forget, never stop trying to get her back.

\---

She couldn’t believe what had happened. She killed someone, actually killed someone, a random woman she knew next to nothing about. She always hoped that his powers had limits, that there were lines that he couldn’t force her to cross, even if she didn’t know where those lines were. Now, it was clear that there was nothing she wouldn’t have done if he had ordered. That is, until he turned her into a murderer. She didn’t know what happened then, but something changed. It was like that day at the balcony, except this time, him calling didn’t place her back into his spell.

She was dizzy, at first, and it was so hard to focus. All she could think of was that she had to get away from him. She didn’t stop to check if the woman was really dead, although she knew the answer to that already, she knew how hard she had punched. She didn’t even stop when he was hit by a bus, didn’t try to help the people on it, or even check if he had really died. The only thing in her mind was escaping, getting as far away as she could as fast as she could and never seeing him again. She had to run, because she didn’t know how long this would last, she couldn’t risk losing her window like the last time, she needed to get away, she just needed to get away.

She didn’t even know where she was going, until she collapsed in front of Trish’s door.

\---

Jess didn’t tell her anything the first night, and Trish didn’t press her. It was obvious that her instincts had been right, that Jess was in trouble and for some reason couldn’t tell her anything. And she knew Jess well enough to know that she would shut down if anyone tried to press her about what happened.

She didn’t call the police, at Jess’ request, one of the few things Jess told her that night, but there was no doubt in her mind that something terrible had happened, and that it had something to do with the guy Jess told her about on the phone. Still, at that moment, Jess didn’t need the police, didn’t need anyone forcing her to talk about things she wasn’t ready to talk about. She needed support, and a familiar face, so that was what Trish would give to her, even if it pained her, not knowing what happened.

\---

She couldn’t tell Trish what she had done, couldn’t let her know. Trish was the only person who loved her, and the only person she loved, and she couldn’t stand to even imagine how Trish would look at her if she found out she murdered an innocent woman. Jess kept looking into the bus crash, more to torture herself than anything else. Kilgrave was dead, and that was a relief, but that woman, Reva, had also died, and that was something she couldn’t accept.

It was his fault, of course it was his fault, he told her to do it, and she was powerless to escape his influence. Still, she couldn’t help but think that maybe she could have done something, that maybe she could have snapped out of it sooner, or managed to escape when she had a chance, or even never meeting him. Everything would have been just fine if she had never met him, she would be a hero, saving people, and not this mess.

She needed help, she knew she did, more help than Trish could provide, but Trish was the only one she trusted. Jess didn’t tell her about Reva, but she told her about everything else. While anyone else would have thought she was out of her mind or imagining things, Trish didn’t hesitate in believing her. And Trish didn’t judge her for not being able to escape, she just offered whatever help she could give, and stayed by Jess’ side.

\---

She was worried about Jess, more than she would like to let it show. Jess needed her to be strong, but she still didn’t know what to do, had no frame of reference as to how to help her. Jess had PTSD, that much was obvious, and Trish couldn’t even begin to imagine the level of abuse and violation she had been through, even though Trish wasn’t a stranger to either of these things.

What she could do was offer professional help, and make sure that Jess was eating and sleeping, if not normally, at least enough so she wouldn’t jeopardize her health. It wasn’t enough, it was nowhere near enough, but it was all she could do.

\---

That therapist was such bullshit. Main Street, Birch Street, Higgins Drive, Cobalt Lane. As if that was going to help her. The first time she did, she thought it was ridiculous. She was mind controlled, kidnapped, raped, forced to hurt herself, forced to kill someone. What could someone possibly tell her that would make things better after this? Nothing, nothing at all.

But she still kept doing it. She didn’t know why, at first, although she guessed she might as well give it a try. Then, it became a habit, and habits were comforting in their own way. Still, she would give no credit to the therapist. She was still as fucked up as she was when she first came in. And she couldn’t keep dragging Trish down with her.

Jess was drinking, heavily, enough so that even her metabolism was affected by it, even if only partially, and that couldn’t be good influence for a recovering drug addict, no matter how many years sober Trish had at this point. Then, there was her obsession with Reva, what sort of life she had, who did she leave behind. Finally, she kept seeing Kilgrave when she least expected it, and knowing he was dead did nothing to block those episodes.

She had to leave. For the first time in her life, she would live on her own. This was the first time she was voluntarily pushing Trish away since they were teens, but she had to do it, it was the only way.

\---

Jess left a note, she didn’t even had the decency to talk to Trish in person. Of course then Trish tracked her down, to make sure she was ok, because a goodbye note wasn’t good enough, not after everything that happened to her. But Jess was fine, or at least was in no worse shape than she was while still with Trish.

Maybe she needed some time, maybe she needed the space. At any rate, Trish had to respect her, even though she could see Jess falling apart, could see that she needed help. Jess wouldn’t accept any more help, and she couldn’t just go there and force her. If this was something that Jess felt she could deal on her own, all Trish could do was stay there and wait, hope for Jess to come back. But it hurt, oh it hurt like having her heart being ripped out from her chest a second time.

The most important person in the world to her was hurting, and there was nothing she could do to stop that. It was almost like a mantra, ‘there’s nothing I can do,’ a reminder of her impotence. She couldn’t save herself, she couldn’t save Jess. She always wanted to help people, but it was clear that she was no hero, there was nothing she could do. It was a devastating thought, filled with self-hatred, always present.

So she threw herself to her work. She was good at it, and she loved her show. At least this was something she could control, over this she still had power. She would make her show popular and loved and she would make it her life. But that was not all she would do.

Trish never wanted to feel that powerless again. She would never be as strong as Jessica, but she could train, she could learn how to defend herself, so Jess wouldn’t have to worry about doing that too. It wasn’t much, but it was what she could do.

\---

She didn’t know how to live alone. It was a skill like any other, and one she never had any training for. The thing about living with someone else, someone you care about and that cares about you, is that you end up taking better care of yourself because there’s someone there to remind you to do it if you don’t, and because you end up paying better attention to things since you also have someone to remind to take better care of themselves.

Living alone, there was no one to care if she missed sleep, or broke her alarm, or skipped meals, or drank during every waking moment. It was a damned freedom that would be her undoing if she didn’t keep it under control. Things were bad, and leaving Trish’s company made them worse, but it was the right call. She wouldn’t drag Trish down with her, that was the most important thing. Trish had to be safe, she always had to keep Trish safe, and the only way she could do that now was staying away.

Trish worried about her, of course she did, they both took care of each other, but what Jess was going through now was too much for Trish, even though she would never admit it. Trish finally had control over her life again, after everything her mother put her through, and Jess wouldn’t be the one to take that away from her. Even if that meant Jess had to deal with her shit alone. And even if that made Trish hate her for it.

\---

The sad part was, Trish had gotten used to living without Jess. Sure, she worried about her, but that was not new, and at least now she knew, or had an indication, that Jess was mostly alright. If the definition of mostly alright was stretched to the point of meaning alive and not under someone else’s control. Jess shouldn’t be alone, that much was obvious, and as the weeks passed, it also became clear that she wasn’t coming back. That part of their life, the one where they got to have their dream of living together, was over, and things would never be the same again.

Eventually, she had to accept that this was how her life was going to be from now on. She would have waited for Jess as long as it was necessary, if only Jess had asked. But she didn’t, and now, whatever they were before, they weren’t anymore.

\---

Work was all she had now. Which was ironic, because she finally found something she was good at, it only came at the cost of her entire life. Great life, shitty job, shitty life, great job. If she had a choice, she would have prefered things to stay as they were, but of course she hadn’t. This whole thing was all about her not having a choice. Kilgrave took that away from her, along with so much else.

She couldn’t take him off her head, as much as she wanted, and she wanted that more than anything. Drinking helped, in a not-so-helpful kind of way. If she kept drunk enough, whatever part of her brain that made her think about what happened couldn’t work, and so she wouldn’t have to think about it. Of course, it wasn’t the only thing she was fucking up in her brain, and that had consequences, but her accelerated healing meant all the damage was temporary, to be reverted as soon as she stopped drinking for long enough for her powers to kick in. In the meantime, the damage was being reverted, little by little every day, so she didn’t have to deal with all those terrible effects of chronic alcoholism. Unfortunately, the other side of the coin was that, if her body was mostly recovered by the time she woke up, there was nothing stopping her from drinking like that again.

Jess could do whatever she wanted with her body, and those useless powers of hers had to pick up the slack. It’s not as if they ever helped her before, so they might as well do something now. None of this would have even happened if Kilgrave hadn’t seen her powers, become fascinated with her. Or if she had been able to fight back against him, do something, anything, before he made her… Those powers brought her nothing but grief, and she was going to use them her way now. That whole superhero thing was done and buried, she was no hero, she couldn’t even save herself.

\---

From time to time, she still wondered how Jess was doing. She didn’t look into her life, Trish knew what it was like to feel the need for privacy, some space. Jess would come to her when she was ready, not before, and Trish wasn’t going to be creepy and keep tabs on her.

Her life was back on track, almost exactly how she wanted. The only thing missing was Jess.

\---

Kilgrave was alive. He was alive. Alive. Living and breathing and making new victims and using that power of his to destroy lives. He was alive. He didn’t die. And he would be coming after her, she was sure of this, she had to go away. Had to go as far as she could. The other side of the world if necessary.

And she had no way of escaping. Not on her own anyway. Her job barely let her pay the bills, let alone pay for a plane ticket. She tried all her options, considered everything, until there was just one alternative left.

She didn’t want to get in the way of Trish’s life any more than she already had, but this was too much. It was finally too much, and she finally had to admit she needed help. Even if help was only enough money to go away and never come back. When she went there, she was sure Trish wouldn’t forgive her for doing this, but she couldn’t take this. She was under his influence once, she couldn’t survive that happening again, plain and simple.

\---

She was so mad when Jess just appeared out of nowhere. Months without any news, and then she was there, no explanation, just asking for money. Trish wanted to grab her and yell at her, but that wasn’t who she was, she would never be like her mother. Then Jess told her that Kilgrave was alive, and nothing else mattered. She couldn’t understand what happened to Jessica, but this fear was something she knew all too well, that she had to deal with for years, the fear of never being safe from someone.

She was always going to help Jess. Not because she felt indebted to Jess, since she saved her in more ways than Trish could count, but because she loved Jess. Even if that meant giving up on her, sending her half-way across the world, not knowing if she would ever see her again.

\---

The problem was, Jessica couldn’t just walk away. She couldn’t just allow another woman to suffer the same fate as she had. Even if she was no hero, even if she was still traumatized, even if she couldn’t stand to even think about seeing him again. She still had some human decency, he could never take that from her. And that meant she had to save that girl from him, even if she knew she couldn’t face him, couldn’t be near him.

And then she tried to help, and everything went to hell. She couldn’t get to Hope before he raped her, and then she allowed Hope to complete his order. If Jess hadn’t forced her to leave the hotel room before the order were off, she wouldn’t have seen her parents while still under his influence, and they would still be alive, and she wouldn’t be facing jail for double murder. That was her fault, that was on her, and she had to save Hope. She couldn’t undo her mistake, but she could stop Hope from losing her life as well. Even if that meant she had to face everything that she feared.

\---

She was worried about Jess, now more than ever. She shouldn’t be trying to get evidence that Kilgrave existed, that he was still alive, but nobody could convince Jess once she put something like that in her mind. The very idea of Jess being under his control again terrified Trish. Not only because of what he would do to her, but because she still didn’t know how Jess managed to escape the first time, and there was no reason to believe she would be able to escape again. Even if she did, she was still a mess over what happened the first time, and Trish wasn’t sure she would survive anything like that happening again. And she didn’t want to find out.

Still, this need to help people was something greater than Jessica, and Trish always loved that about her. Jessica couldn’t avoid helping other people, it was her nature, who she truly was despite all the trauma. Even when it was just the two of them against her mother, and Jess didn’t want anything to do with what was happening, she still couldn’t keep herself from saving Trish, despite promising she wouldn’t.

And now she couldn’t keep herself from doing everything she could to save Hope. It was that heroic part of her that Jess always tried to deny, and that Trish always wanted her to embrace. It would be hypocritical of her to try to get Jess to suppress that now. Jess was putting herself at risk, and Trish hated that, but she had to respect her. But Jess refusing her help? This was something she wasn’t going to accept, not this time. She almost lost Jess once. In a way, she had lost her, and now she wouldn’t have Jess walking away again. They saved each other, that was how things were supposed to work, that’s how things were always supposed to work.

\---

Trish always had to make things difficult, didn’t she? All that Jessica wanted was for her to be safe, and never get nowhere near that monster, but of course Trish wanted to help. She was always like that, she was more of a hero than Jessica could ever be. And she didn’t understand, didn’t realize that, while Jessica would rather die than be under his control again, she would sooner accept that fate over having him lay even a finger on Trish. She wished that this time, just this time, Trish would just let Jessica look out for her best interest and keep her safe. It was all she wanted.

\---

She wasn’t trying to get Kilgrave to focus on her, she just couldn’t stand that lawyer trying to use her program against Jessica’s wishes and discredit Hope’s story. Trish had to learn to stand up for herself and fight for others too, and the impulse was stronger than common sense. She realized what she had done a moment too late, but she didn’t want to stand down.

Trish grew up afraid, cherishing every moment of defiance. She wasn’t going to stop now.

\---

She almost lost Trish, and it was all her fault. If she had gone back to check if Kilgrave was still alive, if she had killed him when she had the chance, if she had taken Trish away and kept her safe, none of that would have happened. Trish almost died, and would have died if Jess weren’t there to save her, and Kilgrave had to be stopped, for good, but Jess couldn’t allow Hope to lose the rest of her life because of him.

\---

Apologizing to that monster, praising him, violating her professional integrity to lie to her listeners, was humiliating. It was what he wanted, of course, the only way for him to let her live would be if she subjected herself to this, because he was a sadistic bastard that got off on controlling people, directly with his powers or just with the threat of what he could do. It was disgusting, but if she died he would win, and she wouldn’t allow him to win.

\---

Somewhere along the line, there was Luke. Luke was a good man, that didn’t deserve what happened to him, especially what she did to him.

Jess knew it was wrong from the moment she started following him, but she had so many unhealthy coping mechanisms that it didn’t seem all that bad. At least no one was getting hurt, not at first. She needed to learn more about him, felt connected to him through the woman she killed, and connected to her through him, as if Reva hadn’t entirely left this world. It was selfish and wrong, but it seemed harmless. Well, to others at least. She wanted to torture herself with it, still consumed by guilt, but she never expected to hurt Luke.

She never meant to sleep with him. It was a big line to cross, because it obviously wouldn’t have happened if Luke knew what she had done. And she could make up a million excuses, that he was the first decent man she had come in contact with in a while, that it was a relief knowing that someone else was just trying to live their life despite having abilities, that they had some inexplicable connection, that she just plain liked him, but none of that mattered, it didn’t erase her violation of Luke, it didn’t make what she did acceptable.

She had no one to blame but herself, she sabotaged the relationship from the start. The sad part was, she was starting to fall in love with him, and now, if he never forgave her, it would be understandable.

\---

There was a big difference between forgiving someone for trying to kill her under the influence of Kilgrave, and deciding to keep in contact with that person. And an even bigger one between knowing it wasn’t their fault and deciding to sleep with them.

There were no delusions on her part. She was just trying to regain some of the control she lost when she was attacked in her own house and nearly murdered. Plus, there was some sick satisfaction in fucking her executioner to be, something that she couldn’t quite articulate.

It was bad for her, of course, in the long run, but if there was something that Jess had taught her was that sometimes harmful coping mechanisms were all that worked, and what mattered was that they worked, because the consequences to the contrary would be worse. The lesser of two evils and all of that. And it wasn’t as if she could have a healthy relationship while she was still in love with Jess, so why should that matter anyway?

\---

Jess wished she could do everything on her own, because that would mean less people would risk getting hurt. No, that wasn’t true. She wanted to do everything alone, because she didn’t want Trish getting hurt, and because she didn’t trust anyone else. There, that’s more like it. Or that’s what she told herself, it was easier to deal with placing people in danger if she didn’t think about the fact she was doing just that.

She needed this to work, needed it to be over, so she would risk everything on a not so thought out plan. What she wanted was complicated and hard to articulate and she wasn’t even sure if she was completely aware of it, but it was more than just killing Kilgrave, so having to produce evidence to free Hope gave her a tangible objective, always easier to deal with those. This way, she could pretend she needed this to work for someone else.

\----

She couldn’t stand to be so weak anymore. Of course, it wasn’t fair comparing herself to Jess, she didn’t have any abilities, so it was only natural that she would be less able to stand harm, but the thing about reacting to a trauma is that it rarely happens in a rational way.

\---

Sometimes, she wondered if things would ever go back to what they were between her and Trish.

\---

Sometimes, Trish wondered the same.

\---

She would give up her life if that meant stopping Kilgrave, and that was one part heroism, one part guilt, and one part all those issues she didn’t dare try to analyze. So, risking life behind bars for a chance to stop him seemed like a good enough bargain. And well, if push came to shove, she could always escape. Probably. Possibly. There was a non-zero chance. Oh, whatever, she was never good at that whole ‘always have a plan b’ thing, she just did plan a and hoped for the best, even if plan a sucked. Plus, even the worst case scenario wouldn’t end up with her cutting her own throat on someone else’s bed, so she should probably count herself lucky. There was a certain element of guilt to that too, her lack of planning, not exactly suicidal but with a casual disregard for her own safety.

Of course, she wasn’t counting on him to be that fast. And of course that wasn’t proof enough, because the police officers were actually dense enough to fall for that big joke excuse, which shouldn’t have lasted more than the twelve hours they had on that order.

She would have liked to have said that she could have walked away then, that she did her best and it wasn’t enough and she had a right to give up. But now, that wouldn’t have been very much like her, would it?

\---

Again, she was worried about Jessica. Again, she didn’t know what to do. Again, she was powerless after swearing she would never be powerless again.

\---

Of all the sacrifices she could do, giving up her life to chaperone Kilgrave wasn’t one of them. She tried to tell herself she could do it, but she couldn’t, as soon as she didn’t have an excuse to keep him alive, she would kill him, even if it was in cold blood. This one time, she had to place herself first.

\---

She would have killed herself, just because he told her to do it. It was a thought impossible to wrap her mind around. She would have done it, no hesitating, hell, she wanted to do it. If this was how it had felt for Jessica… Of course, one moment wasn’t enough for her to understand the months of torture, rape, and abuse, but it was enough for her to know that her imagination had fallen short of how horrific this was.

\---

Everything was going to hell and she didn’t know how to stop it, didn’t know what to do. To make matters worse she had all those people from the support group that seemed to be getting worse instead of better, and she wasn’t responsible for them, but she was, and wasn’t, and was. It was all wrong, but she was the one that started it, and she was going to end it, somehow.

\---

For the first time in forever, she felt powerful, invincible even. It was better than the best high she ever had. There was nothing she couldn’t do. And then everything came crashing down on her. She was sure she would die, it didn’t seem possible to survive that, her entire body was on fire, her mind was going a mile a minute and she didn’t know how to stop.

She didn’t want to die, but if she had to die protecting Jessica, it would be worth it.

\---

She almost killed Luke. She was an instrument in Kilgrave’s victimization of Luke, and then she almost killed him, after killing his wife. She couldn’t think about this now, so she ignored everything. This wasn’t the time to deal with things, it was the time to make sure Kilgrave was no longer walking this Earth.

\---

She was worried about Jess. There was no question that the events of the last few weeks had taken a toll on her. Trish was in a better shape, but not by much, and she couldn’t support Jess, not as she needed, not while this was still happening. Everything was too fast for either of them to process, that would only come in time.

\---

Something she never said, ‘I love you’. It was easier doing it like this, turning it into a code. She could say and not say it, rationalize a way to express what she meant by expressing something else.

When she saw the way Trish looked at her, Jessica promised herself that, when all of this was over, she would say that to Trish once again, this time just because she felt it.

\---

It was a bad plan, a terrible plan, but they needed it to be over. She didn’t want to think about Will, Jess didn’t want to think about Luke, neither of them could get over things while Kilgrave was out there. They would bring this to an end.

Jessica’s choice of code was cruel. Trish had gotten used never to have heard that from Jess, but hearing it with any other purpose than expressing the feeling was even worse.

\---

Seeing Kilgrave kiss Trish was almost too much, and then having to hear him brag about how he was going to rape her… The plan, she had to focus on the plan. Trish knew what she was agreeing to when she decided to help, and Jess would never let him take her away. It was a dangerous gamble, but what other choice did they have?

She broke his neck, and it was over. It was easier than it should have been, ending his life, but of the many things there were wrong with her, this wasn’t one of them.

\---

When Kilgrave came along for the first time, Jess and Trish had just started getting over all the shit that happened to them. When he came for the second time, Jess was still trying to find a way to get back to that, and Trish was trying to learn how to keep going without Jess.

Now, none of that mattered. Of course, this wouldn’t be a case of everything going back to normal immediately. They had a long road ahead of them, and it wouldn’t be an easy one, but they were back on the path to recovery.

This time, Trish promised herself, she wouldn’t just let Jess run away. They were stronger together, they had always been, and their mistake had been allowing trauma to come between them instead of facing it together. Not anymore.

This time, Jess promised herself, she would tell Trish that she loved her, and mean it. She wouldn’t run away, wouldn’t leave her behind trying to protect her. They would face it together, as they had when first moving away from Dorothy.

It was just a start, but that was the most important part. The journey of one thousand miles and all that. Things wouldn’t go back to what they were, they could never go back. But they could move on, refuse to allow things to come between them, learn how to feel happy and safe again. It was a fresh start, a chance for them to begin healing, and that was an opportunity they were going to seize.


End file.
